


What Is and What Could Have Been

by RavennaWritesFanfiction



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), hydra - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-16
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-06 06:02:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18845107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RavennaWritesFanfiction/pseuds/RavennaWritesFanfiction
Summary: You and Bucky were supposed to be married, you were supposed to have a family and live long and HAPPY lives together. You are recruited by SSR prior to the US’s involvement in the war and you meet Peggy Carter. Bucky is drafted and it isn’t too long until you hear he’s been captured and assumed dead. You go on a whirlwind adventure with the commandos. You resume SSR work after Steve crashes and you just can’t adjust. Kidnapped by HYDRA; you discover Bucky is alive and they use him as leverage against you. You escape with him and live life as it should have been. Trouble follows and you are thrown back in thanks to Zemo. The snap destroys you and you fight Thanos with a vengeance that makes Thor looks like he doesn’t care. With Bucky back, you say farewell to Steve and train the next Cap. You have a whole new life ahead of you.





	1. Living With The Boys

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter Summary: The war is getting started in Europe, but you are living your dream with you two best friends by your side in Brooklyn. It’s a struggle but every day you are reminded that it is worth every hardship.

They say living in Brooklyn now is expensive and they only live there for the Aesthetic. To say they live in the same place Captain America is from. They don’t remember the 30s or the 40s. Those who do, look back fondly on the Brooklyn they used to know. Before aesthetic was important and Instagram was a thing. Back when it was their home, and they were damned proud of it. Back when James Barnes and his young fiancee lived in the apartment on the top floor; and Steve Rogers delivered the newspaper. That’s the Brooklyn we must return to for this to make any sense. 

You had met the love of your life when you were just 10 years old; everyone told you it was just a phase and you would find someone else later on. The joke was in them of course, and you and your lifelong love, James Barnes, were engaged to be married. You knew somewhere in Heaven your parents were proud of you. 

You had gotten an apartment together; Bucky was happy to have moved out of his Ma’s house, but he spent every day that he wasn’t at work helping her out, he was a good son like that. His sister, Rebecca, was a source of pride for Bucky and he would do anything for her. She was a sweetheart, and frankly, she reminded you a great deal of Steve. Hopefully, it wouldn’t get her into trouble later on.

You worked two jobs and Buck worked on the docks to afford the place. Steve, your oldest friend, had lost his mom at 18 and had such severe health issues that he couldn’t keep a job very long; though not for a lack of trying. He helped out when he could, but you and Buck always made sure he was taken care of. He would do the same for you.

Your apartment was a two bedroom and 1 bathroom set up; completed by a makeshift office and a kitchen nook. It wasn’t much, but it was home. Steve would sit and sketch for hours, it was one of the few things he could do regardless of his health. You would sit on the couch and read or knit and Bucky would curl into your side and watch his favorite people do what they love, in turn doing what he loved.

Bucky worked horrible hours on the docks. Usually, you worked at a local diner where you were harassed endlessly and received abysmal tips. Other times you worked for Mr. Howard Stark as an assistant.  On nights where you were working on at the diner, Steve would walk you home. On nights you worked for Mr. Stark, he would have a driver take you home. Your hours were just as bad as Bucky’s, but Steve would help with chores and getting dinner ready so it was done when Buck got home. It was like this for several years. All the while, you were saving up for your dream wedding.

When news of the war broke, you were thankful that the US was staying out of it. The US had lost a lot of good men, including Mr. Rogers, during the first war; you prayed it wouldn’t come to that again. The last thing you wanted was Bucky over there fighting someone else’s battles and getting hurt. You didn’t have to worry about Steve, there was no way that they would take him. They would draft women and children before they let him enlist. There was the possibility that you could be sent as a nurse, but that was barely a thought at this point. You just continued to work and save up for your wedding; right then, that was what was important.

Years of saving up had finally paid off, you were about to become Mrs. James Barnes and you were over the moon. The church had been picked, a date set, dress purchased and guests invited. It was all coming together. 

Your dress was long sleeved and covered in lace. It reminded you of something a princess would wear. It made you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. There wasn’t a doubt in your mind that Bucky would agree entirely. The church was the one you had both attended your entire lives. The Priest was thrilled that you had asked him to perform the ceremony. He had seen you grow up and he couldn’t be happier about the young adults you had both become. All of your friends and family would be there aside from Mr. Barnes, Sarah Rogers, and your own parents, all of whom had passed away over the years. It was hard planning a wedding without two of your moms, but Mrs. Barnes had done all she could to fill the void their losses had caused. Steve and Bucky had picked out their Tuxes and Mrs. Barnes and Rebecca assured you that it would be a dream come true. 

A week before the wedding, the world turned to shit. You were recruited by the Strategic Scientific Reserve for your exceptional gymnastic skills, weirdly it was something they thought they could shape into a useful skill for a spy. You begged them to allow you to leave after the wedding, but arguing with them was fruitless and your dress, along with the tuxes, were stashed away in the back of the closet for another time.


	2. Recruited By Strategic Scientific Reserve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Peggy prove to be a kickass team and the US enters the war following Pearl Harbor. Bucky is drafted and you see him right before being sent to meet HYDRA.

The day you should have been wearing your wedding dress and looking like a princess, you were putting on a military uniform and learning how to be a spy. You were partnered with a woman who was also robbed of her wedding day, Peggy Carter. She was an English woman, but far from stuck up. She could be prim and proper, but you knew deep down she could fight like the toughest man. You loved her like a sister from the first day.  
Her brother had gotten her the position and he had been killed in the war just after her engagement party. None of that mattered much to her after and she broke it off and joined up. You thought Peggy and Steve would get along just swell. After all, they would both fight an army by themselves if someone would allow them to.  
You saw things that you couldn’t believe. Scientific advancements years before their time; all the while you couldn’t help but think how excited Bucky would be to see all of it. Howard Stark was already deep in his designs for the war effort. It was nice seeing a familiar face. He must have thought so too. The three of you would go to the bar every now and then to let loose. But never too loose.   
You were taught the art of being a spy. You already had a knack for blending into your environments; it was part of the reason you were able to keep your job working for Stark. You were nimble enough to get out of any jam. It turns out you also had an ear for languages. There wasn’t much that they had to teach you that you didn’t pick up immediately. Perhaps this was your calling all along.   
Peggy was also very good at disguising herself. She was a skilled code breaker and also could pick up languages on the fly, though her accent usually gave her away. Together, there wasn’t a damn thing you couldn’t accomplish. All it would take was one of you to infiltrate the enemy, but both of you made it in, every single time.  
Missions were set to test you, each supposedly harder than the last. You were sent to Germany so many times, you teased that they should just by you a wartime house there. You saw Hitler at a gala once, but you were not allowed to make contact. You met with Stalin since Russia was decidedly anti-Nazi. Mussolini invited you to his estate and thankfully, you were allowed to decline.  
Each adventure you had with Peggy was grander than the last, and still, you wished Bucky could see it all with you. You were never in combat zones, so what you saw, generally, were exquisite works of art and breathtaking vistas. If only Bucky could see you now.  
It wasn’t long before you realized that your wedding dress would no longer fit you. You had put on muscle from the grueling training sessions and the fine dining had gone straight to your hips. It was hard looking at how far you had come in such a short amount of time, but how different your life could have been.   
Pearl Harbor broke your heart as it did every blue-blooded American. It wasn’t long after that that American troops landed in Europe. Bases were set up and often times. You and Peggy found yourselves visiting with the men. They were excited and full of life; desperate to kill Nazis and Japanese alike and prove themselves. You had already seen so much in your time over there that you knew it would not last long. Soon, the States started drafting men to keep up with the war effort. You received letters from Steve and Bucky; Bucky was assigned the 107th. You were suddenly more terrified than you had ever been in your life.   
The next mission that you were to be sent on sent shivers down your spine. The Nazis had a deep science division called HYDRA. It was run by Johann Schmidt, a crazed individual who believed in the old Norse myths. He had forced a German scientist to experiment on him, hoping to become something greater than man. He became a monster from what you had gathered. Even Hitler didn’t deal with him personally. Rumor had it, those who were sent to discuss things with Schmidt, seldom returned.   
One of HYDRA’s bases was your next stop. As you were leaving one of the Italian US Military Bases, Sergeant James Barnes and company were rolling in. You were overjoyed and horrified to see him all at once. You ran to him and tackled him into a hug. You were able to give him one kiss before being sent off to see what HYDRA was cooking up.


	3. Discovering HYDRA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You meet with Bucky after infiltrating a HYDRA base. HYDRA is cooking up new weapons and Peggy and Colonel Philips got to New Jersey. The next day Bucky is to go to Azzano and you can’t shake the feeling that something terrible is going to happen.

Upon arrival, it was painfully obvious that this wasn’t headquarters. It was a factory, probably one of many and it appeared to be making weapons. You couldn’t see exactly what was being made, but your gut told you it wasn’t going to be good for the troops; which now included Bucky.

            The scent of iron hung heavy in the air, however, whether it was blood or from manufacturing, you were unsure. The workers didn’t seem to be happy they were there, and they wore tattered military uniforms. The man closest to you looked like he could die any minute was wearing an English uniform. The man across from him was wearing a French resistance uniform. There were uniforms from all countries involved in the war. Even German and Italian prisoners had been taken.

            You and Peggy both had eyes; it was clear that despite being the “Nazi deep science division”, they had gone rogue. Their weapons had the most beautiful glow. The source was unknown to you, but it couldn’t be good.

            These prisoners were being worked until the dropped. If they were too weak to work, but weren’t dead, they were turned over to Dr. Arnim Zola. The creep was experimenting on them and the further into the compound you ventured, the louder their pained screams got.

            Even though you had just seen Bucky at the base and you knew he was relatively safe, you still heard the screams as if it was him. Peggy could sense your distress and suggested you two leave with what little information you had gathered already. Of course, you had become increasingly less lucky as the war raged on and a guard spotted you two.

            The lighting was dim. Two overhead lights were expected to light the whole corridor. The glow from weapons being moved to storage cast enough light as the passed by, but it was so temporary that you had to quickly map your surroundings and carry on virtually blind. The guard had alerted others to your presence and a red alarm overhead told you that the entire compound was looking for you. You made it to the ventilation ducts and from there you snuck outside. You could hear the dogs as they fervently tried to pick up your scent. Making your way to a truck, you were sad to see that it hadn’t been loaded, that would have been a major success if it had been, but you were thankful that the keys were still in the ignition.

            Men yelled and hopped into their own trucks as yours barreled away from the compound. Following maps, you were careful not to lead them back to your base and risk the soldiers’ lives. After two day of driving and two truck swaps, you finally made it back with little intel and a few bruises.

            Colonel Philips was informed of the possibility of a new weapon, and he was presented with a few grainy photos you hadn’t seen Peggy take. You informed him of the POWs slaving away and how there were German prisoners as well. You were mostly silent during the debriefing, you could still here Bucky’s screams, even though you knew it wasn’t his. In the end, Peggy and Colonel Philips departed to New Jersey in hopes of finding a solution to the ever-mounting crisis in Europe. You were sent back to your tent and told to standby for additional instructions.

            On your way, you heard a voice you could pick out of a rally, Bucky Barnes. As you rounded the corner, you could see him playing cards with a few others and drinking. After clearing your throat, they all stopped dead. Bucky leaped from his chair and pulled you I tight. He escorted you into the tent and introduced you to the others. None of the really acknowledged you, but Sergeant Timothy Dugan came over and shook your hand. He offered you up some Bourbon and offered to deal you in. You accepted both and quickly took all the men’s money. Even Bucky was surprised at how good you had gotten at cards since being away. You didn’t keep anything. You didn’t need it and sooner rather than later, those belongings are going to be what is keeping the men sane.

            Dugan was the first to talk with you; Bucky chose to hold you close and watch everyone around him.

            “What are you doing over here anyway?” taking a sip, he eyed your uniform closely “It’s clear that you aren’t a nurse.”  

            “I’m a spy. I gather intel in the hopes that you guys don’t get hurt.” You gave as much away as you were allowed, though most of what you did was pretty tight-lipped. “Though, I have been given extensive medical training as well as communication training.” Bucky was looking at you, but what he was hiding behind that gaze you couldn’t tell. He had always had a poker face to beat them all.

            No one said much more about the topic, but after a night of merriment, you were ready for bed. The 107th was to ship out to Azzano the following morning. That meant Bucky would be seeing combat on the Italian front and you couldn’t shake the feeling of dread that was clawing at you throughout the night. You had returned to your own tent. It was strange having Bucky so close but in a different bed. It had been years since you stopped sleeping apart.


	4. Azzano

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your guts had been right and the 107th was captured by HYDRA forces. You meet Captain America for the first time and he isn’t as you remember.

As scheduled, Sergeants Barnes and Dugan, along with the rest of the men of the 107th, left for Azzano at daybreak. It was hard to see Bucky leaving, especially since you had an idea of what HYDRA was up to; even if you hadn’t been able to bring back enough evidence to convince the generals. Most of the men were ready to see some action, though there were a few you could tell didn’t want to be anywhere near a battle; Bucky included.

They left, and you had told Bucky not to purposefully say goodbye out of fear that if he did, he wouldn’t come back. He reluctantly agreed, but as he marched out, his glance lingered a little longer than normal. Your heart ended up somewhere in your left foot as it sank. Your gut was seldom wrong, and today it told you something terrible was going to happen to the 107th.

Azzano was a day’s walk from the base. It wasn’t terribly far from the Italian border with Slovenia. Their orders were to fight back the Nazi forces. Two hundred men left that morning. They were only supposed to be gone for three days.

Day four, fifty of the two hundred men returned. Bucky, Dum Dum, and Gabe Jones were not among them. The survivors told stories of tanks that shot a blue beam. The Nazis had been decimated almost immediately. They swore their fellow soldiers had not met the same fate, but they didn’t return either.

Colonel Philips and Peggy returned to start sorting out the mess. You did your best to stay busy and not think of your friends and fiancé out there. You were assigned to the nurse’s tent to aid with the wounded; some were worse than others. The worst among them were the ones who required amputation. You couldn’t bear to help with those. Not while Bucky was still out there. After you had done all that could be done, you and Peggy were sent to Azzano to investigate the battlefield. After nothing but tank tracks were found, you both agreed to check the old manufacturing warehouse you had infiltrated before. It was completely abandoned and empty of everything but the dead soldiers they had used as slaves. HYDRA had moved on. You returned empty handed and with nothing more to go on aside from the stories. You thought it could have been weapons like what the slaves had been making, but with no weapons in hand, there was no proof.

None of the spirit you had seen when they left lingered. This was a war and these boys just became men. They had brought Captain America, the latest gimmick from the War Department to help sell bonds, out to put on a show for the men, but you couldn’t stand the thought of anyone supporting such a war as this.

Peggy met up with you and told her about her adventures in New Jersey and how they all landed her in Brooklyn. You hadn’t thought about home much, but you really longed for Brooklyn now. She told you about the genetically engineered super soldier that Howard Stark and Dr. Abraham Erskine had created. She talked about how he was such a small man from Brooklyn who had enough fight to take on the entire globe. He reminded you of Steve. They had left him there and decided that after Erskine’s murder, that he wasn’t the answer and they left him there. Peggy was excited that his travels had brought him to the base. Apparently, he was made for much more than show tunes.

You decided you would go with Peggy to meet him, after all, he was all she talked to you about. Even if it was just to keep your mind off from Bucky. As you were walking with her, you were called to the tent. You parted ways and was set on the task of sorting condolence letters. You found Bucky’s in the second pile and tried not to die inside at the thought of Mrs. Barnes and Rebecca opening it. Halfway through the pile when A strange man in a costume stormed in with Peggy demanding to know about Sergeant James Barnes. Steve. Philips was just telling him that the name was familiar when you tackled Steve in a hug. You couldn’t hold back the tears as you told him Bucky didn’t come back from Azzano. Steve was madder than you had ever seen him and demanded to know what Philips and the Generals planned to do to get them back. Not satisfied with the answer, he stormed right back out; leaving you and Philips with your mouths hanging open.

You finished your stack and asked to be excused. Captain America was missing come to his next performance. Peggy Carter and Howard Stark were also nowhere to be found. A plane was reported stolen shortly thereafter and it became obvious what had happened. Peggy was in hot water, Howard danced in like nothing was wrong and you were left wondering if two of your best friends were dead.

Colonel Philips had just completed the condolence letter for Captain Steve Rogers when men started yelling and running to the entry road. Captain American and one hundred or so men were marching into camp. They had weapons and a tank with them. HYDRA’s new weapons could now be investigated; but more importantly, right beside Steve, was Bucky.


	5. I Thought You Were Smaller

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You finally get a chance to meet up with Bucky and Steve after Cap's daring rescue.

You were whisked away before you could really talk to Steve or Bucky, but at least you knew they were alive. Your job was to locate all the letters and cross-reference them with the survivors so that the families of the living didn’t receive a condolence letter. It felt like a wave of relief to rip up Bucky’s letter. It took you the better part of the day to call back the carriers that had already left. About a dozen of the letters were sent out; it was nothing compared to the two hundred that had been written and signed that week.

A handful of men were selected to go to London to help strategize with the new information about HYDRA that Steve had managed to get during his little adventure. They waited to leave until you could join. While Peggy was in the room, you were talking weapon power with Howard and the boys. Steve and Bucky left for the bar before you had had a chance to wrap things up.

You arrived at the bar to find Dugan and Jones sitting with a group of men you didn’t know. Dugan called you over and introduced you to the new men: James Montgomery Falsworth of the British Royal Armed Services, Jacques Dernier of the French Resistance, and Jim Morita a US Army Corporal from Fresno, Gabe and Jacques spoke back and forth, not realizing that you could understand them. It dawned on Dugan first that you knew what they were saying and he started laughing; it wasn’t out of the norm for him, so Jones paid no notice. You told Dugan what they were talking about and Dugan almost fell from his chair. Apparently, the thought of Gabe Jones talking about French Pin Up girls was a novel idea. Peggy walked by on her way to Steve and gave Dugan a sideways glance.

Peggy didn’t stay long and you decided that it was as good a time as any to go see Bucky and Steve. Bucky was nursing a whiskey from the looks of it and Steve was looking disappointed with his choice of alcohol. You had to stand there and laugh; this was never a site you thought you would ever see; your two boys, serving together in the Army. Bucky heard you laugh and turned around but didn’t get up. Steve followed suit.

“Now you can get a proper look, Doll.” You could hear the pride in his voice, he knew he looked fine as hell.

“Well, you know I am a sucker for a man in uniform and now the two most handsome men I know are here. Can you really blame me for admiring the view?” Steve always was awkward about being told he was good looking. It was nice to see that that wasn’t one of the things that changed.

“What’s wrong with the Bourbon, Steve?” He was still looking at it like it had personally wronged him.

“I just don’t feel the buzz. This is my third.” Never had anyone looked so sad over alcohol?

“Well, allow me to quality control test it for you,” you say as you reach for it. Before he could protest, you were already throwing it back. Bucky laughed at Steve’s misfortune, so you threw his back while you were at it. The look of betrayal was unreal. “So, you’re the man with a plan, so what’s the, well plan?”

“I am putting together a team.” He could be very vague sometimes.

“Make sure you get Dugan in on it. Those boys out there are rearing to kick some HYDRA ass.”

“Language, (Y/N).” you couldn’t believe it. Steve “ Potty mouth” Rogers had told you to watch your mouth.

“Steve, welcome to the Army. Be thankful I didn’t add a ‘fuck’ to that last statement. I was thinking something along the lines of “Make sure you get Dugan in on it. He has been raring to kick those HYDRA fucks’ ass since he got back.’” Bucky was crying he was laughing so hard. “And don’t forget James “My favorite word is Fuck” Barnes is your best friend. You’re an Irish Catholic boy, stop acting like you never say it.”

Steve got up and left the room, ready to recruit the boys in the other room in favor of escaping the conversation. You gave Bucky a quick kiss and followed Steve. Falsworth wasn’t a hard sell, neither was Jim, Gabe, or Jacques. Dugan requested that Steve pay the bar tab. It wasn’t that hard to convince them to risk their lives.


	6. One Of The Guys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You force Steve to let you join the Howling Commandos and you spend the night at the bar watching and participating in the shenanigans.

You all sat around the table and just laughed. You would never have guessed that all of these men had just been prisoners of HYDRA and used as slaves. Gabe mainly acted as translator to Jacques, but he was quick to laughter and Jacques was a goofy man. He specialized in blowing stuff up. Gabe was naturally a communicator. Even though you had just met a few of the guys, you were already in.

You had been trained by the SSR to be a spy, so you had some of the skills that made each of them a valuable member of Captain America’s team. Bucky knew what you were thinking as you looked around the table. You wanted in. If Steve had been paying attention, he would have seen it coming, but he was to busy laughing and for once, socializing with someone other than you and Bucky.

“I want in,” you said it clearly enough that all of the men turned to look at you, except for Bucky, who puffed out his chest and dared anyone to object.

“(Y/N), this is a war. We can’t have you out in the front lines where you can get hurt!” Steve apparently forgot about what you and Peggy did before he got there.

“I have spent more time on the front lines without getting hurt or caught than any of the men at this table. No offense, but I have been here since before the US entered the war. Steve and Bucky, you both know this. I have more extensive training than anything they give our soldiers and I have already been in the same room as Stalin, Hitler, and Mussolini. I can do what you all can do, only I have an advantage over you; I am a woman, therefore, it would be unexpected of me.” Dugan, Falsworth, Morita, Jones, and Dernier just sat there smiling. Bucky thought he would explode with pride for you. And Steve looked like he was trying to formulate an argument against anything you just said.

“She certainly has spirit, Captain.” Falsworth wasn’t the one you had expected to speak up, but you were glad that he had. All the others started nodding in agreement and mumbling about attitude being a large part of survival. Bucky pulled you close and kissed your temple. You knew if he had a choice, he would prefer you not being out there with him, but he knew that was not his decision.

“I’ll give you a trial run, (Y/N), but if anything happens to you, your ass is coming back here and you’re taking a job in the background where you’re safe.” Steve ‘had spoken’ but you knew how to get your way with him and there was no way in hell that you were going to be a paper pusher now.

Someone had decided that you all should be called the Howling Commandos, but you couldn’t remember who. It sounded intimidating enough, so it just kinda stuck. That could have been the alcohol talking though. The drinks kept pouring and the laughs kept coming. Everyone else in the bar had long since left for the night, but when Captain America is a patron, you don’t dare close the bar on him.

Bucky was particularly cuddly when drunk, Dugan got louder and louder, Gabe forgot how to speak English, Falsworth got daring, Morita wanted to fight everything, you also enjoyed being extra close to Bucky, but your language was appalling. Steve hadn’t felt the alcohol hit yet, so he just took his team in. The enemy would never be ready for them.


End file.
